10 Good Things about the new Matchbox 20 album North:
1) The four band members are visible on the cover. When you get bored listening to this record (probably in the first few measures of the first track, the single “She’s So Mean”), you can revel in their nice ties. And are those French doors? Splendid!
2) Nicki Minaj does not sing or rap on this record. (In fairness, her verse on Kanye West’s “Monster” is unequivocally great.)
3) Robert Thomas, the lead singer for MB20, has successfully abandoned the mannered style of singing he employed early in his career, which makes me wonder if Alanis Morrisette has a future after all.
4) There are no standout songs on this record; they all sound equally mediocre. This means you will likely be spared the pain of hearing them in regular FM rotation, if you’re one of those people who listen to FM radio for non-ironic purposes. My boyfriend compared listening to these songs to being a on a bland diet. Well done, Wellhung! I knew you had a simile or two in you!
5) If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if MB20 spent 10 years studiously avoiding listening to any new music and then recorded an album, you can now find out the answer in real life, because I’m fairly convinced that’s what’s been going on here.
6) All of these songs are suitable for mixed company. There is nothing here to offend anyone except music critics.
7) There are only twelve songs on it. Though far from the desired number of zero, keep in mind that at any moment MB20 could drop a double album on us.
8) It peaked at number one on the US Billboard 200, providing further evidence that there is a link between intelligence and the ability to pirate music successfully from the Internet. This is why Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti will never peak at number one on the US Billboard 200.
9) It makes the last Goo Goo Dolls’ album sound like The Flowers of Romance.
10) It makes me appreciate the music of the Free Credit Report Dot Com band.
Let the hate mail begin.