The All-Over-Print Hoody is a thorn in my side

All Over Print HoodyI deem the all-over-print-design hoody officially over. If you don’t know what I speak of your eyes are closed. These hoodies are featured among society’s finest and lowest. They feature designs such as multi-colored stars, clouds, words, skulls, guns, logos, and everything else. The design is a print Xeroxed numerous times all over a fabric. It’s like taking a stamp, and stamping a hoody until it is entirely covered. I’m sure you’ve seen them among campus, in Seattle, at a show or in your best friends closet.

I believe they became played out back in December, but now is the time to announce its demise. The style is full-blown like an epidemic. Every time I see someone wearing them I cringe as if cigarette smoke blew in my face. My hands clasp in hardened angst at the mere sight of them. I have never owned an all-over-print hoody, I never had too because everyone else did. They’re like the Griswall’s house during Christmas holiday, completely over-the-top.

The average price for one of these is around $70. Knock-offs can be purchased between $20 and $30 and offer a buyer the same self absorbed vanity. I’ve seen the hoodies for up to $300 for exclusive styles by “baller” status clothing labels.

These hoodies make me dry heave with bitterness. They’re the plague to fashion, consuming every clothing boutique and adorning every young hip-hop zealot. They’re an eye-sore among a crowd. They have the uncanny ability to draw you in like tunnel vision, then crush your senses with anxiety like falling Tetris blocks.

The best place to observe them in action is at an underground Hip-hop show. They flock like gulls and shit all over the floor. And of course they’re topped off with a New Era fitted ball cap, golden logo adorned on the bill like a merit badge. I have nothing against ball caps, but chill out on the perfectly matched hat, hoody and shoes. The same kids that own this gear probably order every El-P produced-record via the web with fierce conviction. These kids are the epitome of sold out. Their taste is over confined and rigidly stagnant. These hoodies are at the bulls-eye of the fashion target right now. Companies keep slinging them however, because they make a ton of money, but those money-making days are coming to an end. What more can be done with the design? I anticipate the day I don’t see them at fashion boutiques and throughout online stores. All-over hoodies are raging birthmarks with an inferiority complex. I hope they go out of style like Laser Discs.

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