Read a Book (Lil’ Jon and others parody)

Last month I had the opportunity to go the historic Lincoln Theater (in Washington DC) for an all-night concert celebrating the ten-year anniversary of open mic night at the Bar None. A lot of the acts were really good but one person stole the show and that was Bomani “D-Mite” Armah and his parody of Lil’ Jon among others. Check out the cartoon made for the clip below and his website . He’s on some “grown man shit”.

Busta Rhymes T.I.P.

T.I., Busta Watch What You Say, Oprah or Bill O’Reilly Could Be Listening

Chris Rock had it right when he said he loves rap music but its hard to defend it. On the new T.I. album, Busta comes through on the song “Hurt”. When I first saw the title I though maybe T.I. and Busta were going to do a song about their bodyguards/friends who were shot and murdered in the past 18 months. Instead the song was about how willing each rapper was to shoot somebody down for messing with them and how skilled the rappers were with their AKs and other assorted rifles. Hopefully Bill O’Reilly and Oprah will not got a hold of this because they can make someone’s life pretty miserable. Just ask Ludacris. Here are some exceprts from their verses….

"Alota pussy niggas talk like broads love runnin' they mouth
But then turn and run in they house
Put the gun in they mouth, tell a nigga talk shit now
You think you know the gun go POW"
"You betta check ya girl or you be so sick
If the choppa leave you with no dick
Or a plastic bag holdin' yo' shit
Leave 6 in you, a couple more in ya bitch"
Busta Rhymes
"Right now I'ma give you somethin' that a make a nigga beg please
When a bullet in his mind  I could feel a little breeze
Drop to ya knees, see the big barrel of the chrome
fifth triple grip handle in the squeeze"
"Bust so many shots gun powder probably blind y'all niggaz now (Ok, ok let's go)
See you don't know really wanna feel that Mossberg blow (naw)"
50 cent G-Unit

If I Were President of Def Jam…Revisited

A few months ago I wrote a piece suggesting that Jay-Z could improve the way he Def Jam and since then a couple of other things have caught my attention.

The first is the sequencing on Fabolous’ song “Brooklyn” featuring Jay-Z and Unlce Murder. It may not have been Jay’s decision but for some reason he raps second and Uncle Murder is last. Normally this would be no big deal but if the label is trying to promote their latest signing, putting him last on a sang with Jay-Z and Fabulous is a poor way of doing it. When the DJs do their mixes on the radio they often cut off the end of the song, and in this case it means that fewer people will hear Uncle Murder. What incentive does a DJ have to play an unknown rapper following Fabolous and Jay-Z? If I were President I would have had Unlce Murder rap second so people listen to the whole song and not the more established artists.

The second thing I’ve noticed is LL Cool J’s verse on the “Queens” featuring 50 Cent, Kool G Rap, Mobb Deep and Tony Yayo. The lines speak for themselves, “I wish Rick and Russell was back I miss the old Def Jam / Cause the new monkeys act like they don’t know who I am / The promotion and marketing wasn’t worth a damn / Now they on my balls again because 50’s my man”. Can that even be considered a subliminal. Fuck a Jay-Z – Lil’ Wayne beef, I want to see some dis tracks with LL Cool J.

50 cent

Angus Crawford – 50 Cent Translation

Since I last updated this column three months ago, I’ve received hundreds of emails from fans* asking where I’ve been and if I’m all right. Fortunately, I’m ok and preparing for a crazy summer before I make the plunge into law school and start representing rappers who get jerked for their publishing (if you can name the song, I’ll let your rant in the next column; email me Tell Diddy and them to guard their grills, homey.

Enough about the personal stuff though, because this column is about 50. When I heard the news that he was pushing the album back until September I was pretty pissed. This has already been a pretty weak year for albums, so despite Killa’s thoughts, “Curtis” could have carried us through the summer until Kanye dropped. I wasn’t even that impressed with Mr. Jackson’s latest songs, but I knew he would have put out a dope ass album to energize the summer and G-Unit (have you seen Buck and Bank’s soundscan?).

You can criticize the content and point out his technical flaws but 50 makes hits and right now we need some motherfucking hits. Fans may have to wait a couple more months for 50’s next album, but you can read my “In Da Club” lyric translation right now…..

When I pull up out front, you see the Benz on dubs
When I roll 20 deep, it’s 20 knives in the club
Niggaz heard I fuck with Dre, now they wanna show me love
When you sell like Eminem, and the hoes, they wanna fuck

When I arrive at the club in my Mercedes Benz, you will immediately notice my 20 inch rims
I will be joined by 19 of my closest cronies, who, along with myself, will be carrying knives
You may have discovered that I am doing business with Dr. Dre, but I will not be fooled by false friendship
Also many promiscuous women have found out that I will be rich like Eminem and are more than willing to have sexual intercourse now

But homie ain’t nuttin changed hoes down, G’s up
I see Xzibit in the cut hey nigga roll that weed up
If you watch how I move you’ll mistake me for a player or pimp
Been hit wit a few shells but I don’t walk wit a limp (I’m aight)

However my friend, fame and fortune have not changed me and I will maintain my loyalty to my friends over these harlots
Oh look, it is my rapper buddy Xzhibit, who is going to make a marijuana cigarette
If you concentrate on the way I do business you may think I am a pimp
Unfortunately I have been shot a few times, but the near death experience does not affect the way I walk

In the hood, in L.A. they sayin “50 you hot”
They like me, I want them to love me like they love ‘Pac

But holla in New York them niggaz’ll tell ya I’m loco
And the plan is to put the rap game in a choke hold

People in the Los Angeles inner city are telling me I am very exceptional right now
Still I am not satisfied, because I want them to have the same affection for me like they do the late great Tupac
In my hometown of New York, many people will tell you that I am mentally unstable
Currently I am trying to dominate the rap music business

I’m fully focused man, my money on my mind
Got a mill’ out the deal and I’m still on the grind
Now shawty said she feelin my style, she feelin my flow
Her girlfriend willin to get bi and they ready to go (o kay!

Seriously, this has my full attention, and currently my main concern is money
I received a million dollars from my business transaction with Eminem and Dr. Dre, but I am still working hard (possibly even still selling drugs)
This nice looking women said she likes my demeanor as well as the way I deliver my rap lyrics
Luckily her friend is also willing to sleep with me and they are prepared to leave

And you should love it, way more then you hate it
Nigga you mad? I thought that you’d be happy I made it
I’m that cat by the bar toastin to the good life
You that faggot ass nigga tryin to pull me back right?

You should be praising me rather than discrediting me
Why are you upset? I thought you would happy for me and my new found success
I am the fellow sitting next to the bar toasting to the “good life”
You are the jealous person trying to bring me back to my poor and dangerous past

When my joint get to pumpin in the club it’s on
I wink my eye at ya bitch, if she smiles she gone
If the roof on fire, let the motherfucker burn
If you talkin about money homie, I ain’t concerned

If the disc jockey is playing my song in the club, I have an unfair advantage over other men
At that juncture I simply wink my eye at your female companion and if she reciprocates my flirting with a smile she will be departing the club with me
I’m so carefree that if this building was on fire, I would not even mind
If you are worried about money my friend, this does not affect me

I’ma tell you what Banks told me cause go ‘head switch the style up
If the niggaz hate then let ’em hate then watch the money pile up
Or we go upside your head wit a bottle of bub’
They know where we fuckin be

This is what my pal Lloyd Banks said, “Do not be afraid to change the type of rapper you are.
Someone is always going to be envious, but you will be more than satisfied with your new accumulation of wealth.
Or we could simply hit them across the cranium with a champagne bottle.”
Everyone knows my friends and I frequent the clubs

*When I say “hundreds of emails from fans”, I really mean three or four from Hugo asking me to update my shit but I had to sound popular in the intro, unkowutimsayin?!?!

50 cent Articles

What Would 50 Cent Do?

About a month ago, I wrote a little piece detailing what I would do if I were Jay-Z and President of Def Jam. Basically my premise was that Jay-Z could have helped is artists out more and focused on their careers, similar to how 50 Cent use to assist everyone in G-Unit with a hook for their single, boosting the buzz for that song and the album.

I’m not saying 50 would be a better executive, but what would 50 do (WW50D) if one of Cam’ron’s or The Game’s songs were used to promote his video game? The commercial I saw for the latest Def Jam video game uses Jimmy Jones “Ballin” as its theme music. I pretty sure Jay-Z did not sign off on it (LA Reid probably didn’t either), but I am pretty sure if Jimmy Iovine used “Oh Boy” for the next “Bulletproof” game he would be Steve Stouted in a minute.

And what about R. Kelly being in Jeezy’s (the second most marketable rapper after Jay on the roster) second single and video with that lawsuit out there. WW50D in that situation? You tell me and post your comments.


Is Cousin Carlton Fergalicious?

I was watching Fergie’s “Glamorous Life” video the other day and I swore I saw Carlton dancing at the house party.

Whoa. Ok, I’ll slow down because I realize your first reaction must be “what were you doing watching a Fergie video anyway”? Well if you must know… my girlfriend had the remote and wanted to watch it. No excuses like the batteries in my remote died and I was too lazy to get up; it was her turn to pick so I had to do my time (life is about compromise fellas and sometimes we have to share the remote). Anyway, I thought I saw Alfonso Ribeiro aka Carlton Banks from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Of course she disagreed with me so I started asking my friends and googling it but got no further. The answers were split 50-50 and no one, I mean no one was unsure about their answer. Either they remembered the same Carlton shuffle I remembered, or they were 100% certain that it was not him and started explaining the differences in eye brows and jaw lines. Pretty weak arguments (can’t eyebrows change in ten years?) but I excepted them…..until now that is.

I am now proclaiming that Carlton Banks (screw his government) is in Fergie’s “Glamorous Life” video.

If you don’t believe me check this out…